To say I was naive three years ago, casts a shadow on the golden light of innocent elation in these hay fields. But naivety is radiant, it is always, as it should be. It allows us to leap into the unknown with no regard for the landing.

There is no judgment in the unknown. But did I ever - not know. What being Mama would mean. What kind of stretch the word would require of my mind, body and soul. Like that watermelon laffy taffy pulled and twisted around a child’s finger, until the little black seeds loosen. Until the edges peel up and are pulled from pink. 

That’s what it’s like to become a mother. 

You structurally change, your mind loosens and it bends, life contorts in ways almost unrecognizable. Until all your little black seeds are plucked out and someone has wrapped you around their sticky, tiny, undeniable finger.

Looking back at my first year as a woman with a child, I wasn’t prepared to love so fiercely, to loose myself, to rediscover myself, to find myself. 

To give up on myself and admire HER- this new (mother) woman taking my place. 

I fought with HER. I disliked the way she woke me relentlessly- to nuzzle my nose to the sleeping baby’s breath and constantly affirm his inhales and exhales. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t resist the screams and how she cooed, as she picked up the noise. How she offered up her objects of sexuality as sacrificial baby food- (that really weirded me the hell out!) 

She challenged my selfish tendencies for sleep, exercise, sex, creativity and long cups of hot coffee. She loved so completely, I almost found it weak, to not withhold at least a shred of her heart, just in case. But there was something about that I could get behind.

And we fought. Back and forth we dueled. Who I was and who SHE was, were so very different. 

But the thing about HER, that was undeniable,  was the way she taught me to nourish myself, my baby and my family. And that was how I lost myself to HER, how I gave up the fight and we called a truce.  A mending of one into another.

I remember one day in July, six months postpartum.  Well,  a lot of us remember this day in July.  But I think this might have been the day, I waved my white flag. (Well technically, the day after.)

This day. This fine July day, was my first 6 hour pass to freedom. Atlas was with Saenger's mom.  They had bottles and water and each other and I trusted that 6 hours would be perfect, not a minute more, not a minute less. It was time for me to bring it back OG! I could taste the tequila pouring down the hatchet and hear the mariachis cue the drunk girl on home.  

So we met at the dock of Lake Austin to join Saenger's crew of friends for a Fourth of July boat ride out into the cove.  (There's a name for it, where everyone anchors to party, but I have long erased it from my memory.)  Captain Coolio reassured me we would be back at 6pm. At 6pm Dodi would meet us back at the dock and I would be reunited with my baby and life would be gravy.

Right.

SO, engine starts. There's wind in my hair and hip hop in my bones. Sexy husband is in his element. Yes. Yes. YES! How I've missed this. 

 Enter Fireball, chuck jello shots back, guzzle tequila. Dance. Dance. Dance. Ride the boat, feel the sun and do the thing! We anchor at said party spot. There's giant raft pads, joining boats and floats and lake water. The summer is on. Did I mention we're dancing and there's Fireball? Some hours pass, and I'm chalking this up to best day ever.  Saenger and his friend swim off to find some kind of turtle or lake clam/oyster/mussel thing that they are trying to make each other eat.  That's when I hear it...

"We're not going to make it back till 7 with all the boats anchored here."-Captian Coolio.

music stops. 

"WHAT?"- Me

I feel a wave of panic, unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. My BABY. I have to make it back to my baby at 6. Like there's no other alternative, none. Nothing on earth could stop me from figuring out how to make it back by 6.  Given, my metal clarity...may have been compromised. slightly. But the internal instinct or anxiety, or panic, or fireball MOMentum, it was for real. 

And that's when my vision zeroed in on the shoreline. Laser beam focus to the tall grass reeds within sight. I gathered my purse and phone somehow. Rambled to a girl that I was going to get my baby and leaped onto the next boat. High Fived some strangers. Catapulted onto the next raft, said Hey. Jumped from that raft to the next boat...ran to the bow and found the two girls in their unicorn floats.  Somehow I talked them into both paddling me to the shoreline, leaving me there and waving me off with a cheers and smiles!

After  tromping thru some deep vegetation, I turned out onto a perfectly manicured lawn. Like a scene from a futuristic adventure film, I stood staring out at some Star Wars-esque mansion in the distance. I stumbled around it as gracefully as possible, dripping wet in my bikini.  Trying to find the door upon which to knock.  To this day, I swear Bill Gates house has no doors. So I wandered away, intent on finding a way out onto some main road where Dodi could pick me up and we could have our 6pm reunion as planned. 

Thats when the ATV security pulled up with riffles raised. I'm not going to pretend I remember exactly how the conversation went...but I do know that I said my husband was behind me, and I HAD to go feed my baby.  Somehow, they escorted me to the largest Gate I had ever seen, opened it and spit me out onto some main road, like that piece of chicken with the weird bit in it.

So as you know, I warned them my husband was behind me. Well, turns out he was. His altercation with ATV men kinda went a little differently, and after some minor details, he ended back up on the boat, to meet us at the dock....as originally planned. 

Now, there I was.Trying desperately to figure out how to send Dodi a pin. This was when pins were new people...okay maybe not that new. But I was LOST. Straight up, side of the highway somewhere, completely crossed-eyed lost. To this day, I still have nooooo idea how she found me. But I saw her car pull up gold and glistening. I can only imagine how impressed she was with my ambitious endeavor, lol.  But she had that thing about HER, that was like the HER in myself, the HER I was trying to drown in jello shots. Something forgiving and soft, humorous and understanding.

There, in his carseat, was little baby Atlas, totally happy, pacified and unaware of the perilous trek I had made to feed him by 6. I mean, he was totally okay.

Oh the shame. The pillow of Shammmme I woke up on the next day.

After that day, I remember opening up to the possibility of embracing motherhood.  I didn't have to fight HER, and I didn't have to relinquish myself. I guess it's called "rediscovering yourself", or "finding yourself". I spent a lot of time doing that in the months following. I think that's one of the hardest parts. Slowly, Together, we learned to nourish our bodies and minds. It was beautiful what I learned as I took to HER. I was new in Austin, and didn't have a community, so I decided to create what I needed most; honest community dedicated to nourishing the body and mind. 
 

I began The Nourish Collective.
The days with those women will forever be some of the most precious memories I have of fostering who I am today.  I believe as women, really as people, we aren't meant to figure this all out alone.  You must find your community, and if you can’t find it,  you must create it.  Fill the void, fill your cup.  Get in the trenches with someone else. 

Some things come naturally in motherhood, and some are learned. The transition and the fight hurts less when you can share and learn from each other.  I can’t tell you the depths of the dreams and pains we would share over chopping onions. How much we would laugh over the pain. I cry pretty easy lately, but I tear up so much as I remember every one of those girls, discovering themselves, redefining life as they knew it, sharing passions and inspirations. And to see how far every single one of them has come...it gets me. 
 

After writing this, I have to bring back a few Nourish days seasonally. I'll keep you posted in events, for my Austin mamas. 

When the time comes, I may be naive in other ways. I may not know what it means to have two babes to juggle, more to love? more to give?
I guess you’ll be along for the ride... 

But at least I know I am HER, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend. Identifying with the fact you are a mother takes time. Identifying with any change in identity takes grace.  Be easy on yourself in the process, it will unfold and form you in ways you never imagined. Beautiful, excruciating, complex and perfect.

Be gentle. Drink water. Eat whole. Sleep. Move your body. Find your people. Find your outlet.

(Dodi Ellis thank you for your brilliant photography!)